It is said, "Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day"; but teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



It's Madonna!


This odg has it made!


A Dog Car. The Shaggin Wagon

Fun pages

Dangerous things kids do
Crazy Cat Attacks a Ceiling Fan
Man rips pants on park bench
Crazy christmas decorating
Why dogs bite their owners
All about Why Cats Need Humans
All about Dogs
The Star Wars Kid
Numa Numa
Little boy struggling to stay awakef
This guy seems to be immune to gravity

Move the red box in the center without ,br> letting one of the blue boxes hit you AND
do not hit a wall... http://www.iol.ie/~dluby/escape.htm

SPLASH! Waterbed video
How to solve the rubics cube
Watch a kid solve a rubics cube in under a minute
Make the IT Guys Happy
The World's Cutest Puppies

Stolen Turkey

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Wyoming Figgers of Speech:

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY. Self-explanatory.

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE. Not very generous.

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE. All talk and no action.

4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET. We've made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW. He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS. We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY. Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO. I've been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH. Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE. Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE. Stop arguing and do as you're told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATIN' HORSE. Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS. You can say whatever you want about something, but it doesn't change what it is.

14. WE'RE IN TALL COTTON. Things are going really well.

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Dead Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "Hey, that's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

Marriage Vows

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take
this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

The Blond and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

Small World

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, and so am I "Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Blond Cop

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

A Beautiful Young Blonde

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the copilot. The copilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the copilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the copilot what he had said to the woman. He replies,

"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

A Blonde Decides To Try Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can not seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up the frail blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ..... Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

A Blonde Dials 911

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again: "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

military threat

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Living Will

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

robot bartender

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then asks him," What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum
physics and spirituality, bio mimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, and nano-technology. The customer
is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to
test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes
back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly
prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds,
"about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time,
about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods,
guns, and women. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and
decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns,
the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies,
"Ahh, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly...
"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

...this video pauses 8-10 seconds in between...amazing and very impressive performance by Chinese handicapped girls..
Chinese Dancers

This dance is called "Buda with thousand hands". It is performed by a group of Chinese handicapped girls. They can not hear or talk. They dance by reading the signs given by the 2 teachers standing at each side, they are so famous now that they are being invited by countries around the world at $400k a performance. Please turn on your speakers, and enjoy......


Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

Some things to think about...

If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
- Spike Donner from Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.
- Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are.
- Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't just happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about isn't never going to happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.

* If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I've learned....

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned..
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful
feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help
him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a
friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to
understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I
was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the
faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and
loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself
with
people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.


I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before
she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may
have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his
little
fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

I've learned...
That you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Holiday lights.




IT IS SAID.........

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 



Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
- Albert Einstein

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein

Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.
- Albert Einstein

The Communist Manifesto in Cartoons


"The Communist Manifestoon"... It's pretty long (8 minutes), but it's an entertaining way to learn about what communism is about.




What you'll find in 10.76 square feet of meadowland soil, within a depth of about a foot:
1. 700 Spiders
2. 2,000 earthworms
3. 900 beetles and beetle larvae
4. 40,000 springtails (small, wingless insects)
5, 9 million threadworms
6. 1,800 millipedes
7. 400 ants

Fun Illusions:

Count the black dots


Is it a spiral?


How many colors in the picture?




Are the lines straight?





which way does the window face?


same size circles


triangle


is it a square?


parallel lines?


count the number of faces


face liar


illucube


impossible pipes


skull or lady in mirror?


old or young?


eskimo


is it possible?


sax or face?


terrace



This undated photo provided by the International Bird Rescue Research Center, shows an X-ray taken Sunday, May 21, 2006, of an injured duck with a broken wing. The International Bird Rescue Research Center in Cordelia. Calif., plans to raise funds with an unusual duck X-ray, which they say shows the clear image of what appears to be the face, or head, of an extraterrestrial alien in the bird's stomach. Unfortunately, the duck died quickly and quietly of its injuries. (AP Photo/International Bird Rescue Research Center, Marie Travers)


An X-ray showing a fork lodged sideways in the stomach of a 32-year-old woman who accidently swallowed it while using it to scoop a cockroach out of her throat is seen at the Poria hospital in the northern Israeli town of Tiberias Thursday July 10, 2003. The fork was removed with laparoscopic surgery, a minimally invasive procedure performed through a tiny incision in a patient's abdomen. (AP Photo/ Effi Sharir)

You think it's cold here!!!





Fun quotes

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?

Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

Dad: "The world isn't fair, Calvin."
Calvin: "I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets ---

1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Why does blood rush to your head when you stand on it?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Thu Jul 10,12:06 PM ET



 Interesting...

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks-other wise it will digest itself.

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print.

11. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.(this is totally bunk. On the DVD where Heston is doing voiceover he dismisses the rumor. Plus if it were true a search in . .com would turn up a still of it. Sorry to have promoted the rumor.

14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.

27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before.

28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.


33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

35. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

 



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Mother Superior

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

A Blonde And A Lawyer Are Seated Next To Each Other On A Flight

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

Monkey in the Bath Tub

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this monkey would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and aggitated monkey. "What the heck are you planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming 'THERE'S A MONKEY IN THE BATHROOM! THERE'S A MONKEY IN THE BATHROOM!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"

Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.

Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.

Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.

Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.

Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.

Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.

Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of
the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.

Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

Kid Comments

* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth?" One little girl spoke up: "According to my daddy -- terrible!"

* Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the little tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"

* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other, my grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"

Pope dirves his limo

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher. The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Crazy Islander

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Easter Prank

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!

Amazing Sculptures made out of cans

Poor Pearcher

The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."

Seattle Joke

This newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next morning and it's raining. It continues to pour for the rest of the week. Leaning out her apartment window she sees a little boy playing on the stood below and asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid looks up at her and calls back, "How should I know? I'm only six."

TLAs

On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story. "Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked. "Not initially."

Guided Tour

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years......."

Rank

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace. It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running. "Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?" "Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

Psychic

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Nile Boat

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

Speeding Granny

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Of! Ficer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

blond bowler

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

A Blonde Had Just Totaled Her Car

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."

Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!

I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A Blonde Walked Into The Drug Store

A blonde walked into the drug store to do some shopping. While walking around she kept noticing a shiny object behind the counter. When she went to pay, she asked the cashier, "What's that shiny object behind the counter?" The cashier told her, "That's a thermos." The blonde asked her, "What does it do?" The cashier told her , "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde thought that was incredible, so she bought it. The next day at work her boss, another blonde, came to her desk and asked her, "What's that shiny object?" The blonde worker told her, "It is a thermos." Intrigued, the boss asked what it did. The worker told her that it kept hot things hot and cold things cold. Her boss then asked her what she had in it. "Well, right now I have a Popcicle and coffee in it."

blond buying a TV

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

Ice Fishing

This blonde wanted to go ice fishing so she got her tools and went to the nearest frozen lake. When she got there she started poking a hole into the ice, and a deep booming voice was heard from the skies and said to her, "There are no fish under the ice."

So the blonde moved to the right and starts to poke another hole. Again, the deep booming voice spoke, and again said the same thing, "There are no fish under the ice".

The blonde put down her tools, looked up towards the heavens and said, "Is that you lord?"

The deep booming voice spoke to her and said, "No. This is the manager of the ice rink!"

Blonde Puzzler

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

Blond Compassion

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

Blindfolded Mario Pianist

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Hunter's Dilema

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

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